ACOA
ACOA stands for Adult Children of Alcoholics.
One needs to keep in mind that even if your parents were not alcoholics you may still have had parents who were disfunctional because their parents were alcoholics or their parents parents. In other words alcoholism and other addictive behaviors may have skipped generation or two.
Alcohol use within the family affects all members, not just the alcoholic. Children growing up in this environment have a particularly difficult time.
Modeling is the most powerful form of education and they grow up seeing, and being taught, dysfunctional behavior. They see and learn methods of survival that may work for a child, but are then carried forward into adulthood where they are dysfunctional.
Here are 5 common characteristics of Adult Children of Alcoholics:
1. They feel they must be in control of behavior and feelings at all times. This desire to control may be an overreaction to growing up in chaos where active alcoholism is present. This tendency to want to be in control at all times is grounded in fear. If all aspects of their life cannot be controlled, it will automatically get worse.
2. ACOA’s struggle with intimate relationships. Being intimate requires releasing some control and being vulnerable. This is difficult. Love is often expressed as rescuing people or trying to fix others problems, rather than being a partner. A survival skill growing up may have been the need to hide feelings and not express them for fear of consequences.
3. Perfectionism, heightened sense of responsibility. Children in alcoholic families learned that if they were ‘perfect’ they might get positive attention. In many cases whatever they did was not enough. Self-esteem comes from how they are viewed by others. They can be extremely self-critical, never attaining the ideal of how good they ‘should’ be.
4. A tendency toward compulsive behaviors. Being a child of an alcoholic increases the likelihood the child will become addicted to alcohol. It is also noted however, a tendency toward other compulsive behaviors such as gambling, disordered eating or addictive relationships.
5. Abandonment fears. I believe this stems from the learned uncertainty in childhood of not knowing what was coming next, a hug or a slap. Adult children often believe that any relationship, no matter how bad or abusive, is better than none at all. Often they will do anything to hang on.
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